Become the best part of a kid's day

I wanted to share something that has become like second nature to me over the years but which I think can be so useful for working with kids and adults alike, and it is a basic leadership characteristic that can be easily developed with the right approach; how to become the best part of someone’s day. And in this context…kids.

As a minister in a church, I am in charge of a grade school ministry serving about 120 kids each week, consisting of 1st– 5thgraders, as well as about 45 adult leaders. Over the years, I have learned both how to connect with kids, but also how to spot others who can do the same. Such a huge part of the job of ministering to kids is simply building a connection with them, a relationship that allows you access to deliver life lessons, invite them to grow and gives you a foundation on which to be heard as you strive to teach them the Gospel of Christ. Someone could be the greatest speaker, the smartest theologian or the best writer in the world, but if they can’t build connection with the kids they minister to, they won’t be heard by them and their work will fall flat. It is vital to develop the skills of connecting to kids and becoming the best part of their day, so that the teaching you deliver lands on open ears and a softened heart. Something I always tell my staff is this; “if, at the end of the day one of these kids truly believes that you care for them, we have already won”.

So how do we do this? It comes down to four basic things that will change everything. First, be excited to see them. Second, speak affirming words to them. Third, talk to them like your friend. And fourth, make a point of saying goodbye. Doing these four things well are the basic blocks you need to begin to win over even the toughest of kids. So, lets dig in.

1. Be excited to see them.

Kids spend so much of their time, (as do adults BTW) asking the world around them this question; “do you love me?”. Weather they vocalize or even understand that for themselves, that is the question they are asking you from the moment you see them till the moment you part ways. They measure every word, every gesture and every action on those terms. So, the strategy here is to front load your interaction with as many obvious cues that communicate to them the idea, “yes I love you”. Beginning with and excited smile, saying their name to them, a high five and a quick “how are you”, are some of the biggest tools in your bag. Just knowing and saying their name alone has been shown in main line psychological research, to communicate a sense of being known and can trigger a dopamine response in someone’s brain that is calming and even pleasurable. At this point any kid, and adult for that matter, will believe that you want them there, that they are known there and that they have a place to belong there with you.

1. Speak affirming words.

In my ministry, I avoid the use of negative language toward kids at almost all cost, and speak in positive terms as much as possible. On the easy side, is simply verbally recognizing things about a kid that are positive and worth recognizing. Simple examples could be; “hey I like those shoes”, or, “cool bag man”. Others could be things like, “hey, I saw how you shared that with your friend, good job, thanks for that” or “man, I love when you raise your hand and speak in group, that’s so cool!”. Sometimes we forget to stop and smell the roses with these kids, and these are such simple and easy ways to affirm them, but more so, affirm who they are. Because remember the question they are always asking; “do you love me?”

On the other side of this equation is when they may be wrong about something, doing something out of line or eliminated in some kind of game. How do we talk about those things? We always want to tell them the thing we would like to see and encourage them toward that direction. Some examples here. If a kid raises their hand and gives an answer that is just way off we don’t say “no” we say “thanks for that, who else has something for this?” or we can simply say “ok, but give me more there” something like that. They will feel like they may not have gotten the win, but are contributing to the conversation. Let’s say there is a kid who is doing something annoying, or chattering during a lesson. Rather than saying “I need you to stop that”, saying something like “I’d like you to pay attention here please, I know you can do this”. If there were a kid refusing to participate in some way, rather than saying “why won’t you play this game” a better phrase would be “your team really needs you man”, or “I think you can do this, let’s go eh?”. The point is that even when you are correcting them there is a way to phrase things in a way that is encouraging the behavior you want to see without sending the message that says to them “I don’t love you now”. Rather the message you send is “I still love you”.

1. Speak to them like you would a friend.

I’ve provided some examples of this already above when I use the word “man” or “dude” when talking to boys. What I have seen is that one of the quickest ways to turn a kid’s receptors off is to talk to them like a kid. Worse is to talk to them as you would a kid younger than they really are. So often you will hear people speak to grade school kids in particular, with a babyish bouncy tone and speech pattern that just sounds super fake to even the least perceptive kids. Many kids, but especially boys, will feel belittled and distanced from the person talking to them weather they can articulate that or not. The strategy here is to speak to them with the same tone and speech style that you would to one of your close adult friends. Of course try to avoid using words they don’t know yet, but do use the same words you always do, look them in the eyes, even get down on a knee to be at their level. I am a large person and have found dropping to a knee to be useful for this. I also will shake a kid’s hand now and then, and use words like bro, sis, home girl, dude in my casual interaction. What you will find when you do this is an amazing thing; you will see kids actually rise up in maturity when they are with you. I have seen so many boys especially in the middle of some game, running around being a boy stop and stand up straighter, acting like a little man to engage in some interaction with a grownup who is talking to them like a peer. Again, this all communicates to them that they are loved, they are worth our time and that they are thought of very highly by us.

1. Make a point of saying goodbye

Just as we did with the greeting, we want to give a high five, say their name, tell them you’ll see them next week, tomorrow, whenever. So many kids will slip away without saying goodbye to you, but will secretly be hoping you notice them and say so yourself. In their mind, they know that if you really love them, you’ll notice them leaving and pursue them in some way. Again, it is a test and answer to the question “do you still love me?”. Other kids make it easy and just run to you yelling and waving goodbye, in that case you up the ante and get more animated than even they are. One way or another, no kid should leave without someone noticing and letting them know that they were a part of what was happening here, they are known and will be missed. Kids aren’t used to this! They are used to being ignored or even an annoyance to most adults. The fact that you would interrupt your own conversation, go out of your way and make a big deal of them, just communicates in undeniable terms that yes, they are loved.

But here is the real lesson to be learned. Not a bait and switch, simply a step beyond the do’s and don’ts. It is a simple question for you; do you really love kids? Do you really love people? You can behave in all kinds of ways that say you do, but in the end your true condition will be uncovered. I have gone through many times when I would say I was faking it, seeming to have it all going well on the outside and treating everyone the way I knew it would look if I did love them, but feeling empty in the process. This is a crummy place to be in and will eventually fail, or worse, hurt the very people you are trying to make believe that you love them. Question; do you think God ever has to fake loving his created people? Obviously, the answer is no. But we so often feel like we have to. The answer is simple but so hard at the same time. If I want to see people more like God does, I need to think more like God does. He has so graciously given us a clear pathway to do exactly that through the cleansing of our mind by the study of His word, the sharing of prayer with Him, and the worship of His name. These things are not simply religious rituals we do to make God happy, these are the mechanical means by which we grow in our faith, discipline and relationship with our creator. It is only through this kind of washing that our heart starts to work like his, our affections begin to look like His and our love for His kids starts to grow into a genuine affection. It is out of that position that we can truly “do the things” I have outlined above. So, the true step one is to look into how you read His love letters to you, how you talk with Him and what state of worship your heart is in. Then go back to the top and start learning to act in concert with it.

Thanks for reading

Ryan Weber

August 2018