15 Things The Girl You Want Wants in You.

So when I work with middle school and high school students, one of the most common subjects that comes up with them is about dating and relationships. As your friends at school start to pair off and you see the beginnings of romantic relationships forming around you, perhaps you are involved in one already as well, you are constantly wondering if you measure up, fit in, or are desirable. As a basic starting point, everyone wants to be desired, to feel attractive or believe they are worthy of being loved. And one of the chief ways we think we can measure that, is by looking at who we are with, who likes us and who wants to be with us. For students, this is a huge driving force behind so many unproductive situations as you try to conform to whatever image you feel like you need to, in order to gain the attention and affection of as many guys or girls as possible. For the guys in particular, this can be very intense. Guys are naturally put in the position of the pursuer. They are trying to attract the girls, and they are very tempted to conform to whatever image or behavior pattern they think they need to in order to impress the girls they want. And if this is not hard enough to process this as a dude, let’s throw in the fact that we are followers of Christ and have a desire to conduct ourselves in light of gospel truth and generally want to date and eventually marry someone who does the same.

This changes everything about this equation doesn't it?. This changes the standards of behavior, the criteria for dating in general, the level of physical interaction and the purpose of dating changes completely from a self-serving striving for status or respect, to being an exercise in the expression of our own relationship with our creator. This could kick off an entire second document for sure. But the point is that we now grow to see the pursuit of a fine Godly woman as not only a pleasurable and fulfilling venture, but more so as a means to multiply each person’s God glorifying capacity. As each person sharpens the other, and exposes things within the other, they each grow closer to their creator, and grow in their capacity to love and serve him. Each person acts as a catalyst for the redemption process that is going on within them. The Girl you want is looking for a man who will partner with her in this process, and lead her closer to Christlikeness as he grows in that way himself. Long story short, the girl you want is looking for a guy who is as close to Christ as possible, and acts as much like him as possible.

Each of the sections below represent one area of yourself that the girls you want will be looking at. But the key concept to take from this entire paper is the idea that each one of the things below represent an area in yourself that can only be changed, improved or perfected by following Christ. Just adding these things to the parts you have to play will only serve to discorage you. These things are facets of the fruits of the spirit, and the fruits of the spirit are the Christ like characteristics that will naturally become part of who you are as you allow the gospel to sink deeper into who you are, spend time listening to his words, speaking with him, worshiping him and renewing your mind daily. Enjoy.

1. He must be a believer.

2. He must be fruit bearing

3. He must be a servant

4. He must prioritize his relationship with her

5. He must love her for her and not for him

6. He must be able to laugh

7. He must have reasonable expectations

8. He must respect and value women

9. He must be a listener

10. He must be patient

11. He must be healthy physically and emotionally

12. He must be financially responsible

13. He must have accountability

14. He must have mentorship in his life

15. He must have victory over sin

1. He must be a believer

This can be a complicated thing to start with, but in its most basic of terms, what is at the core of this is a basic and personal believe that Jesus Christ was the human born son of God, lived a perfect life, suffered and died at the hands of Romans and Jews in Jerusalem, was buried and rose again on the third day to reclaim his Glory at the right hand of the father. In turn, this act secured the eternal salvation of all who would come to believe that it does so. This is a basic statement of faith that the vast majority of evangelical Christians will agree can summarise the “Gospel” or “good news”. Beyond this basic summary, there are hundreds of rabbit trails that we can go down when It comes to theological understandings or interpretations of specific biblical doctrine. Those are things that are important to talk about in any relationship and disagreement is always bound to happen, but the key concept we are starting with is that you do in fact believe the Gospel to be true. This falls into the category of things that you can definitely not fake. But assuming you are a follower of Christ, the girl you are looking for will also be so, and will be delighted to hear you articulate the Gospel as clearly as I have above. If you have not put into your memory, a concise explanation of that gospel, take some time to read it through a few times and make this one your own. We are instructed in scripture to always have an answer for the faith that lies within you, and what better reason is there to do this than to be sure the girl you are interested in knows your stance on the cross?

2. He must be fruit bearing.

And possibly the most significant of these criteria. You see it is one thing to be able to articulate the Gospel message in words, it is another thing entirely to live in such a way that leaves no doubt as to one’s position on the Gospel. What are the fruits of the spirit? Peace, patience, gentleness, kindness, goodness, thoughtfulness, and self-control. These are called fruits of the spirit because they are the natural product of a person who is continually under the reformation process within one’s self as they follow Christ. As one spends time in prayer, consuming scripture and refining their relationship with their savior, their thoughts will become more like his, and their actions will as well. This is the way one becomes a fruit bearing follower of Christ, and in turn becomes most attractive to a girl who is of the same mind. It is possible to take some big steps in that direction under one’s own power and personal discipline, simply learning to play the part of a fruitful Christian. But eventually the truth is revealed as one begins to tire of simply pretending to be a disciple of Christ. The true transformation that will stand the test of life and time is only found in spending more and more time inviting God to reform our minds and hearts into his image through prayer, worship, scripture and meditation on it. And while I don’t think anyone is truly capable of being 100% authentic all the time, I do believe that any amount of phoniness or pretending, when it comes to dating is toxic to that relationship. I don’t recommend unloading all of who you are on one person all at once either, but simply seeking to be yourself in the situations you are in is the goal. If you find that you are very much short on fruit in your life, maybe its not the time for you to be considering a relationship with someone who is looking for that, rather it is best to spend your mental energy on making that invitation for reformation in your spirit as often as possible.

3. He must be a servant.

This one could be a fruit of the spirit all on its own. But the girl you are looking for will want a guy who is a servant in two ways; first he is a servant of others, and second, he is a servant of her. A heart of service is one who sees his purpose on this planet to act as a reflector of the Glory and love of Christ. We are told also, to see others as better than ourselves, to treat others as we should want to be treated and to seek the benefit of those around us. We also know that each and every person on this earth is created in the image of God and is loved more by him than we could ever even know. Because of these things, it is a true privilege for us to serve those around us, and the pinnacle of this is to serve one of his precious daughters as we consider a dating relationship. You see, a heart of service sees it as an act of worship to the King, to serve his beloved creations. You are not in any relationship for what you think you can get out of it or what you think you deserve in it, you are in it purely for the benefit of the other. This will make you a joyful servant of those around you from day to day, and it will make you such a humble suitor for a fine lady who want’s nothing more than to feel that kind of cherish and value lavished on her out of a heart of worship to her savior. We live in a culture that is so obsessed with what we want and what we need for everyone around us, it is totally counter culture to see one’s self as a servant of others. But this will be something that the kind of girl you are looking for will find very attractive indeed.

4. He must prioritize his relationship with her.

Another facet of the servanthood concept is this idea of priorities. All of us are busy. I work two jobs, have a dog, social life, hobbies, family obligations…. Everyone is busy. As you consider entering the dating world you must begin to square with the idea that you are beginning to construct a brand-new relationship with someone who is also busy and probably overly so at points. If you are going to be serious about serving and pursuing her, you will have to be willing to trim off some time, energy, finances and mental focus from all of the other areas of your life. As you invite someone into your life further and further, it will mean more and more of the things that used to be just for you, now become for two. You will be dong different things with your free time, spending your disposable income in different ways, spending less time doing hobbies and more time-sharing day to day experiences with her. You will be spending less time with your friends and family as you put in the time to construct a relationship with this girl. And all of this, you will do gladly because you understand the value of this daughter of the king and what a blessing it is to give yourself up on her account. As a caveat to this though, she will also be interested in supporting the things you love to do as well. She will want to know your family, meet your friends, check out your hobbies and spend time with you in all of those cases as she gets to know who you are in your own natural environment, but even then, those things will be serving a different purpose in the context of your relationship; to build connection between you. What will not work, is to continue in your life as it always was, doing all the same things, and making no room for the two of you to grow closer together. If you are not willing to set aside what you would normally do all the time it is probably the case that you don’t truly value this girl, and it would be wise for you to wait until that is the case, and perhaps do some soul searching to see where you may be too self-centered in general. Tough yea, but worth looking at I think.

5. He must love her for her and not for him

Another symptom of the modern pattern for dating is this idea that “you complete me” or that some girl is going to be some trophy you parade around hoping that as people see her, they see you as some champ. So often, we judge our own value based on the perception we put out to the world around us, and we expend so much effort trying to constantly do things that we think help us to measure up to some external standard of value. And we hope that if we are impressive enough to enough people that maybe we can believe that we are really someone, that we are valuable. We seek romantic relationships as a huge tool to that end. The belief is that if I can get this girl to like me, that might mean I am likeable. If I can land this attractive girl, that might mean I am attractive. If I can be desirable to her maybe that means I am desirable. If people are impressed by who I am with, maybe that makes me impressive. Do you see what is happening? We are not in love with her for who she is, we are in love with her for who we think she makes us. This is a usury way to look at any relationship and will only lead you to disappointment. The fact is that even after you get the trophy you think you need, you will find that you still don’t believe you are someone, valuable, good enough because no other person can ever assign you those things. The truth is that your value is based in the fact that you are a redeemed child of the king, and so is hers. Being secure in your value apart form her will allow you to extricate this destructive mentality form your relationship and truly appreciate this girl for who god has made her to be. You will begin to love her for who she is and believe you are loved regardless of what anyone else thinks you are. This is such a freeing and relaxing way to go about dating.

6. He must be able to laugh

This one is fairly simple. The vast majority of humans like to laugh. Girls are humans, therefore, the vast majority of them like to laugh and they want a guy who likes to do so as well, and also makes her laugh. Humans bond through laughter and fun in general. But it is especially attractive in a dating relationship because it communicates a couple very important things about who you are. First, if you are willing to laugh and be goofy, it means you are confident and comfortable with who you are. Laughter is a vulnerable thing in that it reveals a lot about your sense of humor, the things you think are funny and whether or not you are confident enough in who you are to let those around you see that deeply into your person. Confidence is always attractive to the girl you want. Arrogance, though, is not. That is unsubstantiated confidence, but a healthy confidence is to know that you have been created uniquely and painstakingly by a God who knows you and loves you. This God does not make mistakes, and you don’t have to hide who you are. Laugh at what’s funny! And on the other end of it; make jokes as they come to you. You don’t need to be a standup comedian to impress a girl, it is more the fact that you share your sense of humor with her, and have the confidence to do so that they will find attractive. It is the same case of confidence and vulnerability that makes this work. But whatever you do, don’t just pretend to laugh at whatever she thinks is funny or try to pretend to be some kind of joker to impress her. Most girls with any intuition will be able to see through that act over time, and you will also grow tired of pretending so don’t waste either of your time; laugh at what you think is funny and make the jokes that come to mind.

7. He must have reasonable expectations.

Expectation is the secret sauce for destroying any relationship. Placing expectations on the girl you want to act a certain way or respond to you in a certain way is such a potentially destructive force. People rarely act the way you would want them to all the time, and placing expectations on anyone, especially this girl, is the quickest way to begin to destroy any relationship you have. What this is rooted in is the sense of entitlement that so many of us have. We feel like we deserve everything we want and deserve for everything to go the way we want it to all the time. When we overlay that entitlement on our romantic interests, we set ourselves up to be upset, resentful and angry about things that we should never have even placed on her in the first place. The truth about this is that we don’t deserve any of the blessings God allows in our lives in the first place, especially the chance to grow closer to one of his precious daughters. Everything above eternal punishment is blessing to us. And to place unreasonable expectations on the girl you want is to say to God; “I want all the blessing you have given me, and I deserve all this as well”. While the truth is that we don’t deserve any of it, and we should see our time with his daughter as pure blessing, expressing gratitude for it while releasing her of any expectation. This will allow you to, again, selflessly pursue her out of a heart of worship for her creator. It frees you up to be pleasantly surprised by the very things that you would have been tempted to expect and feel entitled to. When you allow people to be who they are, it will never surprise you when they are exactly that, and you will be pleasantly surprised when they regard you in ways you feel loved.

8. He must respect and value women.

This builds on the concepts of servanthood and prioritization, but adds a theological depth to it. So often women are placed into an objectified category of things to be used by men for whatever end they are seeking. They are devalued, disrespected and treated like property in so many cases. This could not be further from the position God places them in his creation. Our God has elevated our women into the highest place possible in his word and heart. The first time God said something was not good in this earth was when he recognized the absence of women. And when he created eve, he said it was "very good", Adam freaked out, and woman entered creation. After that He rested. The creation of Eve was the last thing he did, and that was no accident. I believe that he did this because the woman was his finale. He saved the most beautiful, the most precious and most valued creation for the end. And as we look later through scripture we see women elevated over and over again through a historical record that was not interested in doing so. And finally, we come to words written by Paul in talking about the way men should treat their wives. We are told that the husband ought to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. What did he do? He died for it! God is telling us men, that this precious and beautiful creation is worth not just our lust, it is worth our very life. This woman you seek is worth everything you have to give her, not because of something she does for you, or some way she looks or out of some obligation you have to her, she is worth everything you can give her because that is what Christ already gave her... and you. Granted, our death cannot pay for any sin or cleanse her in any way, but living a life devoted to serving one of his precious daughters is a life devoted to worship of the one who made her, and demonstrated his affection for her already on the cross. Taking this approach to your pursuit of the girl you want will open you up to truly see her as the beloved and precious gem that God has made her to be, and will open up your heart to set yourself aside as you worship your king through pouring yourself out for her sake. Worship comes in many forms, but it is a beautiful thing to spend your energy worshiping through serving something that he holds so dear to himself as her.

9. He must be a listener.

One of many women’s biggest complaints about men is the way they listen to them…or rather don’t listen. Women are often verbal processors, and have a very global view of the circumstances around them. They consider things from different angles and from a different perspective than many men do. Details that we would think don’t matter are important to their context. And for them, simply sharing their thoughts and feelings on different matters is an end to itself. They don’t need us to try and speak wisdom into everything or try to fix everything all the time, they are simply asking us to validate their value in our life by listening to what they have to say. This simply means that you need to budget a certain amount of undistracted and undivided, actively listening attention to hear what they have to say. The girl you want to date will rarely feel more cared for than when you spend an hour simply actively listening to all the thoughts and worries she has on her mind. The simple fact that you are present in that conversation, even if you say little, will communicate so much value to her. Ask good questions, and avoid distraction, she will love you for it.

10. He must be patient.

No one likes waiting for things, right? Especially things as significant to us as a romantic interest. But the girl you want will appreciate a patent man in so many ways. Patient with her as she grows comfortable showing you who she is, exposing flaws and things that may be irritating to you. Patient to respect her physical interaction boundaries between you. Patient to respect where she is in your relationship without pushing on her to become more than you are before you are. Patient with servers at restaurants, people on the road, coworkers, kids…. The list of things that there are to be patient about can go on forever, but the point is that a man who is able to control his emotions, extend grace to those around him and respect her enough to be patient in a number of ways is incredibly attractive to the girl you want. There are few things more deterring for any girl, than in impatient or short tempered emotionally driven man. That only serves to introduce turbulence and strife into relationships where it need not be. And again, it is only a deep grasp of the gifts the Gospel contiains will elevate the pressure within you to strive for the next thing, and rest in thankfulness for the current blessing.

11. He must be healthy both physically and emotionally.

It should come as no surprise to you that health in general is an attractive quality. Both physical and emotional health are so important in relationship building in my humble opinion. But it goes far beyond abs and biceps for them. I believe that If a man is going to try and present himself to a woman as a potential suitor, he must be prepared to be a leader in that relationship. How can he present a case as a relationship leader if he cannot lead himself in these areas? Physical health means eating healthy foods, having discipline to do so, as well as exercising and caring for the body he has been trusted with. Emotional health means taking the time to develop self-awareness and growing in his ability to look in the mirror and make choices that set him up best to be able to handle his life with an even keel. Being undisciplined and overwhelmed by life are not good places to start a relationship from. And forgive me for sounding shallow, but being grossly overweight or unhealthy physically due to one’s own poor health decisions is not attractive in any sense of the word. There are a hundred reasons why one should genuinely make efforts to be a healthy person, none the least of which is the potential to be as attractive as possible and present the best version of yourself to the girl you want.

12. He must be financially responsible

The chances are that the girl you are looking for is not obsessed with wealth or riches and will not insist that you pamper her with extravagance. In fact many women find such things to be a deterant in ways because it projects an image of materialism or that you are trying to buy their affection. On the other hand, women want to know that you are both responsible with the finances that God grants you, and are responsible and capable of erning and managing finances to provide for a family at some point. Again, it is not some standard of wealth that you need to get to, it is more about being the kind of person that can ern and manage their finances in a way that is responsible, within your means, and likely to be able to provide for a family. It is not wrong in any way to desire financial independence and stability. And it is not wrong to provide well for your family, but the girl you want is not concerned with extravagance and will not be impressed by riches, only by the character of the man in the middle of them.

13. He must have accountability.

This is a two fold characteristic that will be crucial to establishing and maintaining any significant relationship but especially any romantic one. That is the ability to seek and receive accountability and feedback on one’s self. Truly one of the greatest abilities that any young man can develop is the ability to look in the mirror and take honest inventory of the person they see, being willing to recognize weakness and honestly evaluate themselves for the purpose of growth. But greater than this is the ability to seek and accept feedback. A truly humble man is one who has those in his life he has given permission and invited to tell him the hard things about himself that can be difficult to hear, but invaluable for him to improve and grow as a man. In the cases where criticism comes from an unwelcome source, he is still able to approach it from a position of inquiry, recognizing that any critique can be valuable for growth even if the vehicle of its delivery is less than ideal. This is crucial because one can only look in the mirror for so long before one’s own blemishes become common place to their eye. Sometimes it takes the critical eye of another, to reveal the flaws to one’s self. It can be difficult to get past your own pride and get to a point where you can hear hard things about yourself, but it will serve you so well in any relationship you have, especially one with the girl you want.

14. He must have mentorship in his life.

This is in the same vein as the previous one, but takes it a bit further. Not just in the area of accountability but in general, it is very attractive to the kind of girl you want, to see that you look to those beyond you in years and experience for wisdom and advice. She will feel much more secure in her interaction with you knowing that there are admirable men who are looking after both of your best interests in the situation. You will be a wiser man by surrounding yourself with wiser men. You will pursue her more effectively with the advice of those who know more than you, and you will be much more likely to bond with her. The role a good mentor can play is one that so many young men are missing and one that will be invaluable in your desire to grow as a follower of Christ and as a suitor to the girl you want.

15. He must have victory over sin.

Now hold on a second here, before you get all angry with me and say “ no one is perfect, and to look for someone who is would be a long and discouraging search.” I already agree. At the core of our faith is the knowledge that we are hopeless to have victory over sin and can never be perfect aside from Christ removing it’s sting from our soul. But truly resting in this fact is a humbling one indeed. It is powerful to know that beyond anything we could ever do or ern, and appart from the best of deeds, we deserve only punishment from our God, but rather than this he gives us greater grace than we could ever know. This knowledge drives a man to humility, to thankfulness and to his knees in front of his forgiver. And a deep passion for the cross of Christ will grant a man more motivation and discipline to reform himself into that image daily. This will mean that he will not be comfortable tolerating some kind of chronic and self destructive sin in his life. He will not be comfortable simply existing in a state of passive submission to the fleshly desires that plague so many. He will be determined to look humbly in the mirror at his own ways and be willing to see the ugly things that separate him from his creator. He will be willing to do the things it takes to fight the sins of his life rather than just wanting them to go away. There is a difference between wanting to change and being willing to. He will have accountability in his life, victory over things that he can site as fruit of restoration, an awareness of his weaknesses and a willingness to see more of them. In the case of fighting sin in light of the gospel, resistance is victory, because through resistance we see the redemptive spirit bearing fruit. Only a soul reverent of the power of the cross and determined to rest in it’s grace will truly seek full spirited resistance to sin in his life. This is a guy who is not perfect and never will be, but of whom you can expect humility, coachability, honesty and fight for what’s good. The girl you want, wants a guy who fights like this.

So, in closing this document up I realize I may have brought up more questions than I have answered, which is a good thing, and a perfect thing to go to your mentor with for sure. Also is the worry that you may feel like you’ll never be ready to date in light of this incredible standard the girl you want, wants. But I want to re emphasize the concept that I have not simply described a new set of disciplines that you now have to follow as exactly as possible in order to get some reward for. What I have done is describe just a hand full of things that are a natural product of the spirit of God dwelling within you and changing who you are from the inside. The fruit of the spirit is not grown by trying really hard to grow fruit, it is grown through the systemic nourishment of your soul that comes through a strong and growing relationship with your creator. As you read his thoughts, they begin to become your thoughts. As you imitate his actions, they become your actions. As you live out your salvation with fear and trembling, you will be transformed and renewed more and more into the image of Christ. But know this, that God is not depending on you to execute his plans for your life. You can be a help or a hindrance, a willing participant or a reluctant hostage to his will. But you have to know that if God is who he is, and his will is sovereign, you can’t mess this up, you can only mess yourself up on the way. You aren’t powerful enough to thwart God’s will in your life, and if he has willed for you to be with whoever you are to be with, I believe that is exactly what will happen. The point I am making with this entire paper is to help you see that you can play a part in making the most of your situation, to be the best steward of the blessings God has for you, and to be the greatest blessing to the girl you want. Because we can either make the most of the plans God has for us or we can give ourselves and everyone around us headaches along the way, but one thing is for certain; His will shall be done on earth as it is in heaven. Remember this as you consider the ways you can grow, change and progress as a man and a steward of your blessings. That, my friends, is what the girl you want, wants.