An essay on purity for teens

Meeting the Challenge

It has been said that one of the most challenging things to do is live a life honoring to God. More difficult yet is to be a teenager who lives a life honoring to God. I say the most difficult challenge yet is to be a teenage guy living a life honoring to God. Human nature, emotion, our culture, peer pressure and media all push young men to be less than Godly, to say the least. And of these challenges, the most difficult one of all is the call from God to remain pure sexually until marriage. This stares in the face of a culture that is bathed in internet porn, scantily dressed classmates, sexually aggressive girls, enticing television shows, movies, and music. The culture teaches a doctrine of sexuality diametrically opposed to that which one would come to from a survey of scriptural truth. If young men are to have any hope of answering this high calling they need to take some very challenging steps both mentally and practically. First, one needs to understand the wisdom in the teachings of God from the Bible itself. Second, they need to take steps in their life to make decisions about what they will and will not do. Third, they should set their minds on the promise of fulfillment that will come from relationships founded on Godly principals. And finally, a young man must arm himself for this battle by surrounding himself with peers and mentors who will train him through victory in this fight. The stakes are high and consequences of failure are vast, but properly approached in the strength of Christ, young men can and will grow to be men who honor God in their romantic relationships. And last, it is also of utmost importance to remember that we have been redeemed by a loving creator already, and that there is no sin we could commit to outweigh the full measure of Grace we have been given. God promises in Romans 8:28 that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called to His purpose…even our mistakes.

So step one is to seek a deep understanding and a personal appreciation for the wisdom presented in the Bible concerning relationships. There is a natural progression of romantic encounters laid out in the Bible. Two people meet, interact, get to know each other, become interested in each other, begin a dating relationship, become exclusive, get engaged for marriage, get married and finally….go to bed. According to the best research, this pattern of relationship forming stands the greatest chance for the survival of the relationship in the long term as well as providing the greatest satisfaction for those in such relationships. The world, however, in all of its sub par wisdom suggests, more and more frequently, a complete scrabbling or dissolving of this system; replacing it with one which leads to nothing but trouble. We have people skipping or casting off a logical approach to relationship and going straight for the finish. We se younger and younger people experimenting with pornography, sexual relationships, and even homo sexual relationships without any consideration for what is best in the long term. The culture of instant gratification and emotion driven relationship building removes these tings from the equation. The culture celebrates this as some sort of long deserved victory over the oppression of God, but the truth is that the worlds system leads only to deep emotional pain and the destruction of something that was intended by God to be beautiful indeed. This is evident in the rise of divorce rates, unwanted pregnancies, broken homes or homes with people who chose to never marry at all. Also, statistics will show that the culture of the one night stand or “hooking up” is infiltrating younger and younger groups, bringing that relational broken ness further back in people’s minds. In addition to this, we can easily see how the entire construct of dating itself becomes skewed. Where it once was considered a practice of two people getting to know each other with the potential of considering marriage and a physical relationship later on, we now see a methodology behind dating that has little to do with building something between people but rather is about what each party can get from the other, in a temporary hormonal lustful relationship.

When we take a biblical and logical approach to this subject, we are challenging ourselves to consider dating and intimacy from a perspective that relies more on wise judgment rather than fleeting emotion. I would never suggest that dating be some sort of cold and un-emotional exercise of logic like some sort of chess game, but it is crucial to realize that emotions are ever changing in the context of relationships and if major decisions aren’t based on clear thinking rather than emotion, they will surely result in mistakes made. When Solomon had the chance to ask God for anything he wanted, he asked for wisdom. In the same way, I hope our teens will seek wisdom in their future and current relationships. If the goal of any relationship is to mutually grow in pursuit of the Gospel, how could it go down in flames. If the foundation of a relationship is to seek His wisdom in each other’s life, who could say it was a mistake. If Christ is the third member of any dating relationship and a couple prays that He would be more and more central to it, who could stand against it? It’s not just about avoiding mistakes, its about living a life on mission and letting all of our relationships, not just dating ones but all, reflect that mission.

The next level of this prep involves the implementing of certain boundaries in ones physical conduct based on Biblical principals. This can be particularly difficult for some young men to do as it may seem that the rest of their friends have“pull ahead” in their experience in the world of sexual experimentation. It can be tough for others who may have allowed themselves to be more deeply involved, physically, than even they thought was wise. Either way the temptation to conform to the way of this world is great and the opportunity to do so even greater. A young man, wishing to honor Christ in his physical relationships must set up a system of deciding ahead of time, what he is willing and not willing to do physically. We call this a “prie decisions”. These are boundaries concerning what he is willing to do physically, situationaly; where he puts himself, and emotionally; the kind of relationships he is willing to be in. These boundaries will be different for each person, but should be carefully crafted to reflect the individual’s ability to deal with temptations as well as recognizing his areas of weakness. It is through the close work of a mentor and accountability team that this can be defined for the individual.

But what are some areas that boundaries can be constructed in? First on the list is sexualy. God created sex as both a means for reproduction as well as the ultimate expression of love and connection between a husband and a wife. Biblically speaking, there is no place for sex outside of the marriage covenant, therefore it stands to reason that placing a boundary there for a dating relationship is a wise choice. It may also be prudent to place some boundaries around activities that don’t qualify as sex, but get “really really close”. Along those lines as well, some couples choose not to kiss for a certain time, some won’t touch below the neck, others say that being alone in a dark room is unwise as well. Imagine there is a cliff you don’t want to fall from. You wouldn’t stand right on the edge would you? No, you get as far back as necessary for you to feel comfortable about being safe from falling. The same goes here, couples should clearly mark out boundaries that they agree give them the greatest chance of success in this area.

Truth be told, these boundaries will surely be tested, the world is designed to do so, as is our sinful human nature. The Bible says the heart is desperately wicked above all things, who can know it. Undoubtedly the greatest enemy to any well intentioned commitment to purity is one’s own emotions. The feelings that go along with romantic interaction can act as an intoxicating haze in judgment for even the most mature of Christians. It is only through the strength given by Christ, that a young man can hold firm against the challenges of the world.

The third major step in this fight is to set one’s eyes on the prize, as it is said in boxing. A young man can take great comfort in knowing that God is preparing a very special girl our there somewhere that will be his ideal mate. She will be a complement to him in so many ways, push him to be great and support him in the process. She will love him as no one else could, and will know him like none other as well. This girl will walk with him in life as they seek God together. Together they would be greater than either could be on their own. She is out there right now, learning how to be his wife. He may know her now or may not. And though I do not subscribe to the idea that this individual is set in stone like some sort of arranged marriage, the idea of “she is out there” is true in a sort of romantic way. It would therefore be wise to be sure a young man does not do anything now that would short circuit this incredible arrangement later. Again, by establishing and holding to some very clear and non negotiable boundaries, a young man can take the time to get to know girls, be around them, have fun with them and meet as many as he can, without going so far as to snuff the future. These things are, as always, easier said than done, but keeping one’s eyes on the prize is essential to success here.

And finally, it takes an army to win a war. For a young man to have any hope of success in this quest, they must align themselves with others who are also determined to receive God’s blessings that come from following His word. It is in the fabric of close accountable relationships that honesty about weakness and failure can be dug out of the dark guilty corners of our consciences, and shoved into areas of victory that will drive us into further and greater ones to come. This is where the arming up for battle begins and carries on. When it comes to the challenges presented by the internet, peer pressure, ones own desires as well as the opposite sex’s advances, it often requires an outside perspective of a wiser sort to speak into a young man’s situation, the needed words of rebuke error and encourage success. The model of discipleship that Christ set for us to follow shows very clearly that the best teaching is done on the trail of life, day to day, talk to talk. It is not an official meeting, or based on curriculum other than the Gospel itself. No one is expected to be free of temptation, and no one is expected to stand it alone either. The value of community and discipleship is never more clear than when a young man decides to enter the dating pool.

This may all seem like such heavy weight to carry, and many would wonder why so much time and energy are spent by Christians in dealing with this challenge alone. I would argue, however, that there are few sets of decisions a person makes which can be more rewarding or more devastating to one’s life or relationship with God than the choosing of a mate as well as decisions surrounding dating relationships in general. The decision to click or not, date or not, touch or not, kiss or not, sleep with or not, to marry or not, can be steps on a stairway to a sort of heaven, or the first dominoes in a long series of calamity. Also important to keep present in mind is the fact that this is not a battle fought and won in a day, a year or even a decade. This is a challenge that is always changing and always pressing foreword. Only through diligence in what we have covered here as well as a hunger for wisdom in the things of this Gospel, can one sustain victory through the seasons of life. There is a reason why King Solomon said that wisdom is to be desired over all other things on earth, seek it, and use it. But know this; there is no mistake we could make that can outweigh the full measure of the grace we have received through Christ’s atoning sacrifice. We could make every decision wrong, and probably would, if left to our own sinful nature, but God promises to meet us in the place we are. It is only through Christ that we have any hope for eternity and only though His strength we have any chance of living a God honoring life now. He will show His power and Glory in our life even in our greatest mistakes. He promises to make good of all things for those who love Him and are called to His purpose. Does this mean we just give in to temptation and let ourselves be dragged of simply because we belie God will use it for good later? NO! But we must be able to rest in His grace, while we pursue His wise and perfect will in our life.

Ryan Weber

2013